When my Pagan/magickal life was new, I ran into a few disasters. Some more experienced people would tell me that trusting the gods is an odd thing, as They do not always have the same desires we do.
During that time, I felt completely used and tossed away by the gods of the tradition I was working within. I did what I ‘heard’ they wanted me to do, which was to bring one person into the coven just by being me. Once that was accomplished, I was ejected with malice*.
Fast forward fifteen years…
Over the past year, the gods and my soul have given me the same direction. That direction involved radical life changes. Life changes that were so over the top that I had a hard time accepting them as even possible. As time went on, they opened door after door that allowed me to see the possibility of these changes actually occurring. I then started taking action on each item they presented.
Note: As long time readers of this blog know, I am not much for personal privacy. I have spilled the beans on myself a great deal. This is cryptic because it involves others.
The, what I can only consider radical steps, occurred one after the other until I was ready for the last leap. In fact, I was literally five days away from making that last unrevocable step. At that moment, my family received devastating news. Aside from the shock, I felt betrayed. I uttered phrases like, “This is the second time that I have totally trusted a witchy goddess and the second time she said, ‘Ahhh, thanks for trusting me. That was so cute. Now F… Y..’”
Instead of losing my shit like I did the last time, I told both the Goddess and my spirit that they have to explain this to me. The response I received was a bit of the ‘Secret Game’ mentioned in a recent post, “You will see in time.” Really? FU right back. I would ask again and again and again and, once I was calmer and totally accepting of the situation (about a week) They explained.
“You are now in the perfect place to deal with this. There is a lot of help now that would not have been there had you not listened.” This is true. What is also true is that it is somewhat likely that, after this period passes, that last final radical step may still happen. Even if it does not, the first steps have opened up other doors for us** and exposed me to a very different life experience. This is something I value, even though the transition is difficult.
So, going back fifteen years, I remember going to my last circle with that coven. He “hps” was being drawn down on and I heard in my head the voice of the Goddess, “You have always been accepted [by Her] in this place but the rest has to come through her [the hps].” At that precise moment, that hps said, “She [the Goddess] is not here. I am not getting anything.” I knew then I was done in that group. Now, I wonder, if I had a bit more patience and trusted the goddess to handle the hps who was unwilling to hear or incapable of hearing, how life would have changed. I will never know.
I do know that I would not have lasted in the group long. There were too many untenable dynamics. Things may have ended without that obsession.
The point is that this time, I did listen; I did follow through; I gave myself time to hear, as Paul Harvey would say, the rest of the story. Things are working out very differently.
This is what doing the Great Work is about. Being in the same situation and reacting from a place of greater spirit than one did before. It is a willingness to engage that spirit over and over again until such things are possible.
I have no faith in the gods. Faith is weak and indefensible. I have experience with the gods. I know they exist and I know they have a very direct impact on my life. I have also learned to trust them they same way I learned to trust people. I experience with them. I watch them. I observe actions and results. Eventually, trust is born both of one’s own due diligence and the other party respecting the trust given.
*On the part of the humans involved
** I became a married man last month.
Sunday, April 3, 2016
Many years ago, I was rejected by an Alexadrian coven. My spiritual mentor, a non-coven member, played a very strong role in the situation. The series of events that lead that to that final rejection left me in a state of obsession chronicled ad nuaseam in this space.
The obsession lasted ten years. During that time, I focused on the events and the actions/motivations of others, as well as myself. This led me nowhere. This situation was made worse by what I call the "Secret Game". This is played by telling me you have a secret about me (in this case about what happened during those times that caused my rejection etc.) and then refusing to tell me the secret. That game still bothers my psyche so much that my good friends know that game is off limits. If any of them play that game with me, the relationship is over. There is no compromise.
Over time, I rejected everyone that was involved in that incident. By everyone, I mean everyone that was even close to it, that participated on any level or took an opposing side of the conflict. By rejecting everyone one and everything, I began to reclaim a bit of my personal sovereignty.
Today, through an unrelated meditation, I think I learned the lesson of those times. When you reject anyone, you reject a part of yourself. Each person that played role in those times, was a reflection of some part of myself. I had considered this before but got hung up on the specifics of their actions, which I feel I would have never engaged in. That was a mistake. Each one of the persons was, generally speaking, engaging in very analogous actions that mirrored my own life choices.
I will not outline them all here, as many of those choices I would no longer make. I will reveal that one of them is one that mentor played, the Secret Game. I had asked him very direct questions that went something like this. "You were at the meeting. What charges brought against me?” He refused to answer. Frankly, he held on to that secret for much longer than was healthy for either of us. It was the length of his secret keeping that I focused on. That was the mistake.
His actions did reflect part of my personality. Though, I did not even know I had it at the time. I present the mystery to others. I believe I do so in a healthy way but I do present the mystery. He had presented or embodied a mystery. That is the only part that matters. He embodied a mystery of mine; I embody a mystery for others.
In tonight's meditation, I had to "own" this part of my personality. I also had to own the more negative aspects reflected by others as well. By rejecting them, I had rejected parts of myself. My fully accepting these parts, all of them, I have healed some other part of myself that I did not know was hurting. Perhaps the better word is “missing”. I was missing something. I was less than whole.
This is the type of lesson that usually spurs a spiritual growth spurt or a new mystery. I look forward to either.
There is a lesson-part that is beginning to take hold already. I will work on the following: When I see someone engaging in behavior that bothers me or that I reject, I will examine how that is analogous to my own behavior. It does not have to be the same to be the same. I will then accept that part of myself. This will prevent me from rejecting others.
Still to ponder: How can I do this and still reject people that are toxic to myself? Is mere recognition of the analogy enough?