Wednesday, January 18, 2017

I Am Still Here

I am still here doing magick and living life. Things have been very hectic (in a positive way) and I am doing some work that is requiring me to be quiet.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Taming the Lion (Theurgic Work in Chesed)

In previous posts I have made references to work that I am currently doing to balance out a rookie mistake from my early days in Qabala. Basically, due to fear of being attacked by the unknown, I called upon the forces of Geburah (the sphere of Severity on the Tree of Life) way too often. This caused long-term problems.

The only way I can describe the results is explosive reaction disorder. If people addressed me reasonably they normally (but not always) received a reasonable answer. As soon as they fell into obvious denial, revisionist history, or similar gas lighting they got it with both barrels. If I was frustrated by any given event, even a conversation, people got both barrels. If someone did something to others that angered me, they got it with both barrels! It was easy to set me up to look bad because there was always anger present under the surface.  If you screwed me over, insulted me, betrayed me, etc. you were doomed. Oddly, I was very difficult internally as well. I was just as hard on myself as others. I was brutal to myself. I did not put up with my faults and worked my ass off to heal them even when no one else could tell. When I saw problematic things I sincerely apologized for them.

From time to time I would dream of a nuclear explosion. These moments showed me my anger had cost a relationship. I understood these moments. I knew why people were pissed or, even when I thought they were wrong to be angry, I got it. What really got to me and what I never understood was long-term denial. To this day I still have little respect for denial and revisionist histories. Denial is the cushion of stagnation. It makes being the same as you’ve always been comfortable.
There has been a slow and study improvement of these behaviors. I am much slower to fall into making frustrated outbursts. The biggest leap can when I experienced the Perfection but there were many incremental improvements over the years.

Over the past couple of weeks I have been invoking the powers of Chesed, the sphere of Mercy. While I will not reveal my techniques, I will say that I called upon the powers and prayed to them to balance the forces of Geburah in my life. I never asked for the severity to go away because there are times when a fierce response is appropriate. I have no desire to surrender that ability. This work had produced interesting results.

First and foremost I have people at work going out of their way to compliment me and show me how my work is contributing to the organization. For years it bothered me greatly that I was apparently doing things that had no impact. Being told I am making a positive contribution at work is quite refreshing. I have also had people tell me that other people are saying nice things behind my back. This too is pleasant.

Strangers have gone out of there way to be nice to me in public. When I was hurting due to my back two strangers asked if they could help me to my car. Another gave up her seat for me as I was waiting in a government office. While sitting there I struck up a conversation with the people next to me. That behavior is a bit unusual for me. They asked me what I did. When I told them they thanked me because their adult son is a mental health patient. My job makes their job as his parents much easier.

Secondly, random memories have been resurfacing.  I recalled telling my father I was taking a computer class during my college days. He asked me if they taught about Grace Hopper. She was a great computer genius that created the language COBOL and debugged the first computer...literally. I remember the face of a woman I worked with many years ago. I cannot recall her name or anything about her other than we worked at the same place. I suddenly remembered a violent scene in a television show that made me quite sick to my stomach to recall. None of these memories are connected or appear to have any significance.  I am a bit baffled as to why they are coming up. If they were focused on my own bad behavior, or related actions others that would make sense but these appear to be random.

My only conclusion is that Chesed is related to the sphere of the mind (Hod) on the Tree of Life and there may be some cross stimulation. The other idea is that Chesed in just below Binah, the sphere that connects us to all things. It can be described as a mother’s intuition on a huge scale. Perhaps such things are stimulated by proximate contact. I have no idea.

Lastly, people I know are having conversations with me. They are going out of their way to engage with me, where they did not before. I am guessing that all that defensive work I did with Geburah built a wall that made me unapproachable to some. The Chesed work appears to be removing that wall or at least showing me it can come down. 

At this point,  I am simply reporting what I am experiencing as I have started to invoke the powers of Chesed. I have not reached firm conclusions as of yet. This will be continued in a future post. 

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Chesed Work: Personal Working Notes for the Past Week

What follows are my own working notes on some ritual work I have been doing. These are basically notes that I write to myself. They are mostly unedited and without context, unless you've been reading my most recent posts. Had these not been published they would be slightly different, such as mentioning my wife's name rather than calling her my wife. 

I have noticed in the past week many dreams where my dark side is being pointed out. I am not being provided any information that I am aware of as I know what my dark side is. 


Did a bit more formal work. This time I blessed myself with water just dedicating it to Taliahad and fire just dedicated to Aral. 

Upon reaching Chesed I saw a humble gold crown. It was as if the crown was speaking. It told me that I had done well by doing the ritual given how hard a day I have had. This work is getting me more psychically open and the large family holiday event really got to me. I basically shut down. The voice told me to continue doing what I am doing as it will get harder.

The crown then told me that most of my work is mental as that was all I was capable of years ago when I summoned Geburah so frequently.

When I finished I immediately received a message of joy from a friend referencing luck and water. Both of these are appropriate to the working. 


I am feeling under pressure. There is no angst to it and nothing external. I feel more like I am in a pressure cooker. (5:41 PM)


I had a dream last night that felt very astral. As if someone had come to speak with me in the dream world. I could not quite wake up enough to have a conversation. Moon in Sagittarius.
Meditation tonight. It was reasonably good. Someone did get up and I could feel the bubble of her energy passing around the bubble of my own.

I saw a strange red and white beast that may be my accumulated fears of projection. I ignored it.
I had many visions of events from my past. No, more of random minor players in life. Such thoughts are common in my mind over the last few days.


Performed CHesed Ritual. The crown again appeared. I asked that the powers of Chesed balance the powers of Geburah that I may exhibit strength without impotent martial anger and whatever other lessons you deem fit. Immediately I heard, “There are many.” I repeated my request. I was told that I am ready for these lessons but that from time to time I will still bounce around the Tree of Life. I was given an olive branch with its green leaves still upon it that was a long as the distance between my finger tips and shoulder. “This means more than you know.”


I meditated using the technique my wife taught me. That basically has to do with grounding better beforehand. This felt much better and I was able to hold the meditation much longer. I was prompted to do the Chesed ritual as a meditational exercise. As I am writing this more than 24 hours later I cannot recall what the crown said to me. I do recall in leaving Chesed in Briah seeing a bright blue door above me that was obviously the entrance/exit to that realm.


I simply meditated using my wife’s technique. All I did was stay grounded. I was able to hold the meditation for 40 minutes. This technique holds a lot of promise for me. 

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Personal Struggles – Election Inspired Theurgy

Like many other people I found the results of the current presidential election to be quite upsetting. This post is about my reaction and not about politics. While you are free to disagree please keep that to yourself in this venue, because this post is not a political forum. It's about magick, theurgy, and my personal path. In the past, I have posted some very personal and not so flattering things about myself in part to work those issues out, and in part to demonstrate the process of doing the Work.  So please take this post in that vein and do not default to political thinking.

I am just over 50 years old. In that time frame I have disagreed with presidents. Time has proven me right at times and wrong at other times.  . This is the first time the results of a presidential election have scared me. This is a man that has called for the registration of people of a particular faith. This is a man that has frequently used racist dog whistles that are so blatant that one can no longer pretend not to hear them. He has directly called for violence and has no problem with sexual assault.  These are the reasons he scares me. The registration of Muslims should scare everyone because history tells us where that can lead. Even if I am completely wrong and my fears do not come to pass they are not unreasonable.

In the wake of the election I was freaked out for the first time since seeing the Perfection. I was scared, and had a nervousness that felt much like my old neurosis/obsession energy. It was not nearly as bad as in the past but it was obvious, uncomfortable, and disruptive.

I considered doing nothing. I knew that if I allowed the emotional state to degenerate significantly that it could lead to a break through moment. There is a case to be made for enlightenment via crisis. The Vision of Perfection came to me during extreme crisis. The experience not only changed my perspective but relieved the mental crisis as well. Given it was unlikely this angst would have led to such a severe crisis and release I opted to do something else.

I have developed the skill of dreaming the answers I need for myself. The technique is simple. If you pay attention to your thoughts they appear to be coming from inside your skull. The skull then becomes a wall of the conscious separating your thoughts from the outside world. I imagine that wall expanding several miles around myself. Next I imagine a ball of energy. I mentally tell it answer a question. Perhaps I pray to deity to assist. Then I ‘throw’ the energy as far into that area ‘outside’ of my skull. A dream answer is more likely to appear than not.

In this case I prayed to the biggest conception of deity I have, Aaoz. Aaoz is a name I made up that washes out all associations between the word/name God and that of the angry desert god Yahweh. This form of deity actually came to me in a dream a few months back as a very short friendly fellow straight out of a Terry Practchett novel.

The result of this working was dream in which my former mentor had created a pentagram out of black hose material. I told him that I did not understand how this shape related to the macrocosm. The following morning drinking my coffee it dawned on me to see the election as a macrocosm and apply what I have seen of Trump to the Tree of Life, a qabalistic glyph that shows the structure of all creation. That glyph contains ten spheres or emanations that represent divine progressing downwards into manifestation. Each name I am about to use is the name of a sphere.

The first sphere that came to mind was Chesed. This is the sphere of health, wealth, expansion and kingship. Trump has tapped into the energies of wealth and kingship. Expansion refers to his politically uncommon ideas gaining traction. In a balanced state the kingship in Chesed is benevolent.
My fears come from the next sphere, Geburah. This is the realm of surgery, protectiveness and war. My fears is that the martial energies he threatens to use will trump (pun intended) any form of benevolence.

On the Tree of Life Tipereth (the realm of the ego, reward, and perpetual energy) is next. Balanced this is perfect beauty. Unbalanced this is all about ‘me, me, me!’. Here is Trump’s huge ego, that part of him that simply cannot handle any criticism.

The next sphere is Netzach or in English, Victory. This is supposed to be victory over the lower the self but until that occurs it is the victory of the lower self. Here Trump simply wants to win. He would just as competitive playing a game of checkers as anything he is famous for.
Hod is the mental realm. He is a paradox here. He is a man that has tapped into the mentality of many but his personal ideas seem ill formed.

The last is Yesod. Related to the moon Yesod is full of sexuality and change. We know how the first applies to the imbalanced Mr. Trump. The second reflects how quickly his partially formed thoughts from Hod morph into other things depending upon whom he is talking too. Yesod is supposed to be a foundation but it appears his, at least in the realm of mentality, is weak.
This is a very superficial analysis but it was all I needed to answer the question. Here is how the energies relate from the macrocosm (Trump’s election and the energies he tapped into) and the pentagram or microcosm (myself).

Back in the day I was afraid of the forces that I would stir up with magick. As a result I often called upon the martial powers of Geburah to protect me. Some of you may recall past posts were I have stated there is nothing more dangerous to themselves or others than a talented amateur. Here I prove my point.  In my case all that martial energy inflated my anger and defensiveness, and let my analytical mind dissect other people’s ideas to the point that (correct or not) people could not accept my words. People cannot hear their behavior is a result of some petty desire unless they are ready to hear it. Geburah energy does not allow for such ground work. It simply attacks/defends.
So my fear of Trump and the electorate is that martial forces (Geburah energy) will rush forth unchecked. Given my magickal past this is a problem I have as well. I used to be angry all the time. Now it just comes occasionally. My martial energies are all verbal, but that can do damage as well. Therefore, I will fix myself by balancing Geburah (Severity) with a lot of work in Chesed (Mercy) and the balancing path that connects the two. This means that I will invoke the powers of Chesed and its associated planet Jupiter. I will ask these powers to descend into my being and balance the martial energies. Balance is the key word here. Sometimes martial energies are needed. One should not forgo them, because they also have a role to play.

Since drafting this post I have begun this work. On Wednesday (11/24/2016) I called upon the forces of Chesed and asked for them to balance me. I felt like I had come home. I was ‘told’ that I will need to do consistent work here but I am on the right track to achieving the balance that I seek. I agreed to do that consistent work.

Working Notes

What follows are my working notes as I do this work. They are unedited and thus may be unclear.

That same day (Wednesday) I felt compelled to ask the most ‘connected’ person I know to share with my why I cannot astral project across the physical plane. He said that I do that all the time when doing tarot readings and at other times as I do magick. I am just not aware of it. He provided me with a specific grounding technique to assist in my quest consciously project in full awareness.
That night while sleeping I felt the vibrations of projection but did not actually project.

Thursday (11/25) and Friday, I did not do the ritual but did do the grounding exercise.

Friday night I had a dream in which I was called out from a large crowd of tens of thousands of people. I arrived in a room of 50 or so people. There was a person on a platform in the middle of the room. He was a famous real life singer you have heard of in the Wayne Newton or Neil Sedaka ilk. I cannot recall his name now. He said he was mage. He held his sword out. About this time I realized I had mine with me. He told me to ‘do what I say I will do’. He said this three times. I took this to mean that I need to perform the Chesed ritual as promised.

Saturday, I performed the ritual in the morning before anyone else woke.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Tarot: Can Knowing the Future Alter the Future?

As a professional tarot reader I am often asked questions by first time clients. A while back I was asked if getting a tarot reading can change the future simply by revealing the future.

I damn well hope so!

My goal in reading tarot is to allow the client to see things in a new light. More often than not I suggest steps for them to take to achieve their goals. It is my hope that they will take those steps and create their own future rather than being blown around by the winds of fate. Also when I tell a client something about the negative aspects of their own thinking and behaviour I hope that they will change these for the better. An example of this would be telling a client that she is creating anxiety in her daughter by expressing her own unfounded concerns. Ideally the client will catch herself doing that in future, or become aware of her daughter’s body language, and stop. Even if the client does not immediately to buy into what I say, the reading might cause them to notice a problem later and address it.

As an aside, as a reader I may hope they follow the advice of the universe but it is none of my business if they do or not. I own nothing from the reading. Often I do not even remember what was said to any particular client.

That really wasn’t the answer my questioner was looking for, however. His question is actually incredibly complex, and smarter people than I have opined upon possible answers. I will take a stab at addressing the subjectas generations of philosophers roll over in their graves.

First of all the question presupposes that the future has not already taken your new arcane knowledge into account. Why would one suppose that? The future is a product of its own past even if that past is still in your future. At least one of the client’s potential future paths already take whatever knowledge I provide into account.  After the reading, all of his future paths will have that knowledge as part of their make up.

My editor says this relates to string theory and parallel universes. While she cautions that all occult phenomena cannot be explained by that theory, for those interested she recommends  Kaku's Hyperspace.

Secondly, we do things to alter the future all the time. We have savings accounts to move away from a future of poverty. We get health check-ups to hopefully avoid a future with an early death. We date in hopes of having a future full of love rather than being left alone with nothing for company but a couple of old sock puppets and a kazoo. Getting a tarot reading to help plan the future is right in line with these activities and likely less risky than online dating!

Basically this question is the result of the fear of a loss of an unknown thing. Maybe in one of those futures I met they guy that will employ me to my highest potential and income but if a tarot reading leads me down another path I will miss that opportunity. That could happen. For example, I work at a very well paying job for my community. This job makes me miserable or I make myself miserable doing it. Had I had a tarot reading before accepting the job that advised me that I would be happy working with my hands and restoring furniture I may have done that. I would therefore have missed my highest potential income but likely lived happier for at least eight hours a day. Would I miss this job? No. I would never have known it was a possibility anyway. Would I have known I was happier there than in another job? Maybe. Given that the opportunity lost would always be unknown and fearing a reading based on that is responding to a fear of the unknown I would screw up the courage and get a reading. You are always welcome to ignore it.

As for my readings, sometimes I miss the mark. I normally know that right away and refundthe person’s money. This has happened roughly 10 times since I've started reading tarot professionally. Several times clients told me that I was exactly right, but on a totally different question than what they were intending to ask. It is as if the universe put forward a question and I read the answer to that instead of what the client wanted. It still feels like a miss to me until the client tells me otherwise. This indicates that there is an element of divine providence occurring when I read. The client gets what they need, though at times it isn’t what they think they want.

Lastly, there are indeed ways of seeing the future. I am not saying the idea is preposterous. For example  I have glimpsed the future in dreams but I have never had one in a tarot reading. The glimpses from dreams involving friends, coworkers or others that I see in life more frequently than I tarot client do not lend themselves to being avoided in ‘real life’. They typically involve meeting someone unexpectedly, or are more focused on the emotion of a future event paired with a metaphorical context.

As the question wondered if the future would be altered it implies the asker does not want his unknown future changed. I therefore offer this. In order to avoid the specific event glimpsed in my dreams one would have to be pretty good at sussing out the metaphor and matching it to enough preceding life events to provide a solid insight to act upon. This is not likely. Sometimes I pick up on random information, like the fact that two people I know will sleep together. This is emphatically none of my business and  I have no idea why the universe shares that information with me.
I have no doubt there are people that have experienced deeper recognitions of the future than I. That may give them a different perspective on the answer than my own. Until I obtain that sort of ability this will have to do.

In closing, I really do not think foreknowledge of the future is something to worry about. I would much rather know the energies I am dealing with and finding a wise way to navigate through them than worry about what possible future I would miss out on in doing so.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Do Not Seek Validation

Very often in Facebook groups dedicated to certain gods or paths I see the same questions repeatedly. “Has anyone had [the deity] inspire you to…?” or “Has anyone ever felt this after praying to the [deity]?” These questions are understandable. We have a human need to be validated. We have a need to be connected to others through our experiences. These things bring deeply needed comfort.

The problem is asking these questions to large quantities of random people on the internet will always yield the same answer. If I asked in one of those groups if anyone has seen Hecate with a blue monkey on her shoulder and standing on a turtle someone would say yes. That is not validation. If I said has anyone said has anyone seen Her as a young blonde with deep blue eyes (a common vision of Her) many people would say yes. Again, this is not a confirmation, even when it is completely accurate. The problem is that there is no way to distinguished who is ‘connected’ and who is a well-meaning newb. Worse, self-appointed teachers seeking their own validation as ‘wise’ or ‘knowing’ or whatever will make sure to paint their answer to validate themselves while the seeker sees validation of their own work.

Validation comes when you are not looking.

There was a time when I was first being introduced to One whom I called “The Helpful Deity.” I had many visions of Her and sought to learn more about her. I passed on all the Llewellyn books and purple websites. I picked up some scholarly works which I find boringly necessary. In those books I kept finding historical descriptions of Her that reflected the symbolism I perceived perfectly. I even recalled Her telling me something that I read later as a direct quote from an ancient devotee. There was no way that I had come across that quote before as I had no interest in Hecate and certainly no interests that would reveal such an obscure quote. The difference there is I know no one validated my experience to be nice and supportive. No one had to spin my experience into something outside the original context to figure out how it may relate Her and no one that had different experiences had the chance to tell me that I was delusional.

There is very little more damaging than having a valid experience and having someone that one is foolish enough to believe tell you that you are out of your mind. Even if you are completely crackers a statement like that is almost never helpful. There are much better ways to guide a seeker than telling them they are a thousand miles off the mark or accidentally validating some wild perception.

Another form of validation is comes completely from without. Lately I have been approaching La Santa Muerte, aka Holy Death. She has answered some prayers and in return I have lit a light for Her. That has literally been the extent of our relationship. 

Last Sunday on the disc golf course I was approached by a fellow golfer. Last summer I had given him an old disc golf cart that needed more repairs than I was willing to invest. He was quite grateful. Yesterday out of the blue he gave me a disc that was too heavy for him to throw. The disc was stamped with an image of death wielding a scythe (one of her symbols). This did not yield an overwhelming sense of connection. We do not have that sort of relationship and likely never will. The experience was more along the lines of "I recognize you".

Why did she recognize me? Because I asked the Lady of Holy Death to kill aspects of myself that I was holding onto that I did not need. When she did I did not fight Her by hanging on. I was grateful. In truth, I still have those traits as each prayer was to kill a part of me for that day. This does not build a deep relationship. It forms a relationship a little like a friendly acquaintance.   

Had the relationship been deeper someone may have given me a statue of Her unbidden. Perhaps I would have a waking vision of Her standing outside my office door. Like all things there are levels and it is up to the practitioner to determine the meaning.

Another form of validation is inner change. With Hecate she directly and obviously healed my obsession by showing me how to rid myself of the astral gunk that encased my being. She showed me the gunk and gave me the power to push my physical finger into it. The gunk stuck to my finger. She told me to run my finger along a cyclone fence. The gunk would stick to that and as I walked pull from my body. I witnessed this directly, and I could immediately tell the difference. It took quite while repeating this exercise before I healed enough to change me.

Shared experience can be another form of validation. That is more likely to come from compatriots that experience the same visions in a shared ritual than random people on internet groups.

I am not making an exhaustive list here of every form of validation. This post is merely to point out one that I feel is particularly less than useful and toss in some examples of other ways this can happen. 

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Personal Theurgic Work: Overcoming a Personal Weakness

Back in the day I used to ask my mentor to share his perceptions of my strengths and weaknesses with me. I found this outside view helpful. He told me that I was the only person that ever asked him such a question when it came to doing the Great Work*. I always thought that was one of the basic questions one should be asking.

Someone asked me a question about how to start a path towards one Holy Guardian Angel (HGA)*. I advised him to begin by being brutally honest with himself and make a list of his virtues and faults. The idea being that the work is about getting rid of all those things that interfere with the realization of your divine connections. You have to know your faults. Most people do not include a list of virtues. We need to know them so we can enhance them but also so we don’t feel like complete crap due to an over focus on our faults.

It occurred to me that I haven’t done this myself lately. So Saturday morning I made my own list of strengths and weaknesses. I noticed that a significant proportion of my weaknesses had a common component: I let myself get distracted too easily. I will put aside spiritual work, a book I could learn from, or life plans in order to watch a Dodgers game, escapist television, or cave into my back pain amid a host of other distractions.

My goal is to stop this trend.

I am not a self-help book kind of guy. I find those to be inspiring but the infusion of energy does not last for me and they only help me deal with symptoms instead of addressing the root causes of unhelpful or counterproductive behaviours. Magick will help me find the core issues. I have read that people that are good at what they do often limit themselves by discounting the value of what they offer to the world. I have asked myself who am I to write this book and claim that.... I am guessing that it something like this that I have allowed to be in my way. My guesses as to the causes of my issues are usually wrong. So it could really be anything. Incidentally, this is why I never tell anyone learning from me what their answers are! That is up to them to figure out. A wrong guess on my part could be a harmful time consuming distraction.

To address the problem of my distraction I am going to call upon the forces of Geburah. This is a sphere (world) portrayed on the Qabalistic Tree of Life. Geburah is also known as Strength. It is the martial sphere of war, surgery, power, control and, quite frankly (when unbalanced) that of misery. For those familiar with the tarot it is associated with the fives. In the Thoth Deck these are  Strife in the suit of Wands (the inability to create), Disappointment in the Cups suit (the realization one had the wrong goal), Defeat in the suit of Swords (the realization one is separated from the reward of the goal) and Worry in the suit of Disks (the feeling of being lost and valueless as a result of the other three). Of course those meanings reflect the negative end of the continuum. The other side is creative power, euphoria (in achievement), the mental clarity of success, and Worry is replaced with the four of wands, Completion. In that case the energy of the working towards the goal is waning because the goal, having been met, is no longer able to inspire action.

I will call the powers of Geburah to create an environment conducive to the appearance of the forces of Mars. I shall the call the God (who holds energy too big for man), Intelligence (that which regulates the energy and applies it safely for man) and Spirit (the energy itself) of Mars and tell them to use their martial powers to destroy any illusion that interferes with my perception of the true problem. This will allow me to see what I am really confronting. From there I will magick a solution.
A future post will share what I find and even might share the technique behind this magick.
Eventually I will do magick to resolve whatever core issue I discover. Armed with that knowledge  I will do magick to redirect one of my positive traits, persistence, towards my goals. Getting too distracted is the negative end of the continuum which includes persistence.

*The Great Work is a process by which we return to the creator through our own efforts. We are our own redeemer. The idea comes from Neoplatonism.

** The HGA is one of two things depending upon your school of thought. It is either a higher aspect of oneself or an external deity that is in a position to guide you towards awareness of your highest immortal soul.